Thursday, September 3, 2009

Reply to Anonymous Commenter - Limerent Infatuation

(Anonymous, I hope you don't mind if I reply here. I was just thinking about this subject a couple days ago, so I do believe it's serendipity. I think this info could be helpful to anyone in this sitch.)

Hi Willow, thank you for this insightful article. I googled it up because I was looking for an explanation for natal NN conj BML in last degree of Sag! I am currently going thru a painful time dealing with obsession with another who has his BML same degree as my NN. I have moved away from his locale. So currently Pluto is tranisitting this BM lilith in my 8th house. Your description of Lilith tells me that my growth lies in exploring this side of myself, all the strong and not so honored aspects of my feminine nature, and being a Gemini whose SN is conj the sun, and opposing the Lilith by about 7 degrees, I gather that I myself am not to back down from exposing lies and truths either in myself, others, or the world. Actually my entire life now is focussed on exposing this slimy underbelly as another has made reference to aka The Elite.
But the painful thing I am dealing with now is this fascination, passion obsession for this man who I cannot have, and would probably even be extremely hurt by him, if I did. What is coming to light now is the truth about his feelings toward me, and the subsequent deception he has been practicing toward me. This is all too painful, to be made aware that what you counted on in another, was of your own making. He is not what he appears is what I am trying to say. Though the attraction is mutual, I am the one who cannot bear to stay away from him. I do want all this to come to a happy ending, and if anyone has any comments please I am open to advice, medication, anything!!

Hey, Anon...

I think what you're experiencing is a "condition" of sorts called limerence.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I have also experienced this in the past, and it truly is one of the more torturous experiences a psyche can go through.

Limerence is a feeling of "love" where you are magnetically drawn to a person, even after a very short time, and are (often) somehow convinced on some level that this is the person for you. There is an obsessive, torturous quality to it often involving distracting, intrusive thoughts about the person. And man, can it last a long time!

I've associated it with a couple things astrologically. First, the darker side of Pisces/Neptune/12th House: seeing only the attractive/good qualities in the person (to your own detriment). The idealistic belief that love will prevail in the situation despite so much concrete evidence to the contrary, which is conveniently glossed over. The type of twisted naivete, belief, and hope that become closer to straight-up insanity.

And then Scorpio/Pluto/8th House: the psychological mindfuckery. The obsessive thoughts about the person. The concept of the soul mate or twin flame. The depth of hold of this stuff. Very deep and very powerful.

But as your situation indicates, the specific astrological flavour of limerence (or these types of situations) varies.

For you, with currently transiting (and stationing) Pluto conjunct the North Node/BML at 29 Sagittarius in the 8th house, yes, it's all about uncovering the hidden layers of the situation and letting confrontations with the dark, exposed truth bring you out of these feelings. These feelings are false - don't let your mind or emotions convince you otherwise. 

Knowing which truths to hold as your guide, which ones create the limerence-breaker energy. Holding those truths in your mind, coming back to them again and again.

Whatever truths about this man bring you to a state of clarity (ie. he's not the one for you, you deserve so much better, the right man is out there waiting for you when you finish with this guy, anything telling you otherwise is a limerent thought, etc.), repeat those to yourself every time a limerent thought pops into your head. Write them down and hang them on a Post-it note.

List all the qualities of him that you don't like, that aren't compatible with you. Be brutally honest. Then think about how, without this limerent obsession, any one of those qualities would be a deal-breaker with another suitor. He's got them all.

Think about the way you have felt around this man, the roller coaster, and don't focus on the excitement and passion...focus on the shitty feelings and all the times you have been disappointed and hurt. Because no man who was really right for you would include so much of that garbage. Keep reinforcing that to yourself even though part of you won't believe it.

I know this advice probably sounds extreme and maybe a little crazy to some people, but I know how strong limerence can be and how long one can be held in this cycle.

You have to be very strenuous with yourself about it, eventually not letting any limerent thoughts or feelings through the gate.

Limerence really does play with you. It's twisted. It's mean. It makes things that are not real seem real. It tells you things about the person that are not true. It makes you feel things that are not really related to this person...but you believe they are.

With the N. Node and BML at the 29th degree of Sagittarius, limerence is going to have many tricks up its sleeve. You're going to have to wade through many false beliefs about what love is and what love feels like. (Remember: he's not it.) The 29th degree of any sign is sort of the final exam degree involving lessons from all previous degrees of the sign. So you're going to have your resolve tested here and your willingness to face the whole truth about this limerence thing. Be strong.

Limerence definitely has a collective, archetypal quality to it, also...playing on the hopes and dreams of every lover who has ever existed, I think. Think of every woman who has ever stood on the seashore waiting for her man to come back from sea...while he had no real intention of doing so. Or he had a woman standing waiting like that on every seashore. Limerence goes into every nook and cranny of the collective understanding of love and relationship so that we can identify what aspects of it are false and get rid of the buggers once and for all. Clearing out the collective subconscious on the subject.

I would say with a Gemini South Node that your mind could screw you over by going over and over both sides of the situation.

With a Sadge N. Node/BML, there ARE no two sides of the story. There is one ultimate truth: this guy is not for you. This attraction is unhealthy, and you need to break its hold on you.

The belief that he is the one for you/relationship material will lessen more and more over time as long as you don't stoke the flame. Once you've learned all the tricks and games, bobs and weaves, the power of this situation over you will diminish. Eventually, you will wonder how you ever could have been attracted to such a man. You will probably even become repulsed by him. (Scorp) I know it feels like hell, but this will come to an end. You just have to work at it. Be ruthless.

This is difficult because being a Gemini Sun, your natural tendency would be to look at both sides of the situation, favouring the lighter, more romantic aspects in this situation. Your mind will be able to turn this over and over again, bringing in information and facts to try to convince yourself that this is a fated love.

It's not. It's fated only in that it exists to clear these illusions and delusions, these false beliefs about what love is.

You deserve so much better than this guy, and you will get it once you clear this out of your psyche.

A positive part of the Gemini influence, I think, will be the ability to get some intellectual detachment in the situation. It helps to see yourself as two people (the twins) right now. One of the twins has a bad case of limerent attraction to this dude who's no good. The other twin knows the truth about the situation. You can observe the thoughts the limerent twin thinks, the feelings she feels...but you can't let that twin get into the driver's seat.

There's an online support group of sorts here to check out if you're interested: Limerence Experienced

Spend time alone. Hang out in nature. Stop thinking about it for a while.

Keep exploring the layers of the situation until you get to the root of this attraction. Try to understand what triggers your attraction, and instead of acting on it, hold yourself back and observe the dynamics.

When your motivation is clear and true - to break all ties with this guy completely and end this limerent obsession - you'll know how to do that.

All the best to you.



Anonymous said...

Very interesting post. Thank you.

earth.kiss said...

HI Willow, I am so grateful for your response. Just putting my feelings out there publicly is an amazing healing method! And I am so happy that you have shared my fate, and that there is a name for this!I will do what you suggest and use my mind to get me out of this. I am sure my heart will follow. Or is it my heart? My soul? My sex organs? I pray every moment of every day for relief- and if anyone reads this, my thoughts (or one who has this limerance) do turn to some very dark places. Wanting to end my life is one of them. So thats a sign that this is extremely scary,baffling, and beyond any real reasoning. Its like this feeling has a life of its own, fueled by my what ifs, and if onlys. and by your accounts it is controllable. So that is my thing now, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man is off limits, if only in my thoughts, the most important place anyway. Thank you for your soulful response, on a full moon- no less- in Pisces!!

Anonymous said...

This is a very nice post, thank you. I have had these obsessive thoughts about several guys, most of whom I barely knew, and it wasn't until recently I read about limerence. I know what they say about self-diagnosis, but truly, nothing else has described my little issue like that. It's hard, very hard, to have these stupid thoughts that relate EVERYTHING back to the particular guy. They haven't even been that good-looking! This was really helpful, thank you...