Ladies, if you want to get yourselves a man, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it’s as easy as the subtle manipulation of his Venus sign!
Venus is what he loves, see, and if you want him to love you forever and ever, just keep hitting the old Venus spot. We all know that once you’ve gotten yourself a man, the next trick is holding onto him. The beautiful thing about Venus is: it’s also a key to keeping him! Just use these simple tricks of the astrological trade, and the days of crying your lonely, single ass to sleep every night will be OVER!
Venus in Aries: Go out and shoot yourself a buck. Anything over a four-point should do. Strap it to the roof of your car. If you can borrow a Jeep, Bronco, or Hummer, even better. Grab a couple six packs of his favourite brew, and drive over to his place with your rifle in the back seat to show off your kill.
Venus in Taurus: Talk about money a lot. Make it clear how important it is to you. Leave copies of your credit card statements lying around to show him how high your credit limit is. Get involved in the newest hedge funds, and brag about the returns. Talk about how you dumped currency and bought metals.
Venus in Gemini: To keep him interested, never answer his calls or texts right away. Leave them for a few days if you really want to get him hot and bothered. Talk about all the other messages you’re fielding to prove how uber connected and in demand you are. “Accidentally” send him an ambiguous text meant for some other guy just to keep him guessing.
Venus in Cancer: The key to this man’s heart is all about emulating his Mama! Look at old pictures of his Ma when she was your age, and subtly copy her style. Dress like she did. Do your hair and make-up like she did. Meet him every day after work with lipstick on, an adoring smile, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies still warm from the oven.
Venus in Leo: Buy paintings from local artists and prominently hang them to show what a big supporter you are of the local art scene. Take him to performance art pieces and poetry night at the local pub, even if you don't like it, to show him how artsy you are. Try out for a local theatre troupe, even if calling your acting skills “wooden” would be charitable. Show off your star power. Of course, it goes without saying that a lady should never outshine her man. He’s the real star here, and the more you keep that in mind, the more in love he’ll be!
Venus in Virgo: Hire a housecleaner to come in and covertly clean your apartment to an immaculate shine before each of his visits. Strip your bed (in front of him) and wash the sheets in hot water after every time you do the deed. Casually mention that you floss three times a day. Buy a top-of-the-line juicer. Hide junk food, and fill your refrigerator with leafy greens.
Venus in Libra: Make it known how in-demand socially you are by constantly talking about all the fascinating, cultured, and hip people who want to hang with you. Make it difficult for him to schedule a date into your almost-frantic social calendar. Call and re-schedule a few times to drive home the point. Leave a subtle impression that he wasn’t your first choice for a Saturday night.
Venus in Scorpio: The key here is continually proving what a hardcore freak you are in the sack. Leave whips, handcuffs, chains, and ball gags lying around your apartment – not just in the bedroom! Maybe put a cage up. Mirrors on the ceiling, a video camera set up near the bed, and a stripper pole are de rigeur.
Venus in Sagittarius: What’s really going to do it for this guy is making it known how much freedom you need in relationships. Don’t worry if it isn’t true – by the time he figures out the real story, he’ll be hooked on you! Talk about your plans to study philosophy in Paris, and make it known that he shouldn’t wait around. Do some speed research on wine, and talk about how you’ve always wanted to take a trip to wine country to experience the great whites and reds.
Venus in Capricorn: The key to this guy’s heart is in showing him how impressive and upwardly-mobile you are. Talk about how you’re crushing your competition at work. Brag about how much your boss loves you. Repeat the basic points of your Five Year Plan like a mantra every morning, and make sure he can hear you.
Venus in Aquarius: Here, it's all about making it clear to him how outside the box you are. Throw a vegan, soy-free potluck and invite all the freakiest people you know. Talk about alternative working models and the suppression of Tesla technology. Ride a community-owned bicycle to get around, even if you have been a staunch car driver up until then. Dye your hair pink or purple. Get a septum ring.
Venus in Pisces: The key here is in proving your superiour spiritual development. Talk about your dreams a lot, and make them seem really symbolic and profound. Talk about the multi-dimensional experiences you’ve had, and make it clear that you can’t really be bothered with the concerns of the material world. Name drop a couple gurus, and work the popular spiritual catch phrases of the day into casual conversation. Work these Venus tips, ladies, and you will go from sad and lonely single to ecstatic and loved-up couple in no time!
April Fools from Willow’s Web Astrology! April Fools post 2011
