The Pluto fear is gripping me with stomach-churning relentlessness. I keep being hit with waves of anxiety, horrible, desperate loneliness and fear. The fear. It won't let up. Well, it does. I dig in and process it out of my system and start to feel somewhat OK, but then a few hours later it creeps in again and the horror of this experience lets me know it's not done with me yet. It's still in my system, attached to every last bit of fear, every old trauma, every sickeningly bad emotion left lying dormant or semi-dormant in my body. It's going right to the cellular level, bringing up traumas and unresolved fear and pain from the women in my family lineage.
Black Moon Lilith is there, too, working alongside Pluto, so we've got the pitch blackest of unresolved, denied emotional and psychological stuff to work through. From the collective and the personal. As always, inter-related.
I'm scared. Really scared. I've still got the symptoms of the poisoning, though they have let up quite a lot. I suppose this is the process of it being worked out of my system, but I am losing sight of that a lot of the time. Continually losing sight of any sort beacon of comfort or love is a universal aspect of really difficult Pluto experiences, and that has helped me keep some perspective. Knowing that there are many people, especially the women in my own family, who have felt just as terrified and helpless and alone as I do right now...who made it through to the other side.
I hope you are all having a better time of this Mercury-Pluto transit. I can only remember a couple times in my life that I've felt this terrified and out of control for this long. So dark. So much hideous distortion. I can't see my way out right now.
I'm sick of transformation, transmutation, purging, releasing, processing. I'm sick of the traumas we've gone through living on this planet.
The Sun is coming together in conjunction with Mercury Rx in Capricorn tomorrow noon. Then Venus does. Perhaps this will help alleviate some of the concentrated horror that is just sitting on me.
I must say the combination of Saturn in Libra with all these Pluto-infused planets in Capricorn is making for a relentless, "will it ever end" process.
My family telling me that yes, it will is the only thing getting me through right now.
So no upbeat ending to this post...yet. Just more processing. Scary, scary, lonely processing.