Sunday, May 16, 2010

Chiron and Jupiter-Uranus Bookend Transiting Pisces and My Head Keeps Swirling, Swirling

These times. I tell ya.

I have to confess something that has been going on with me and this blog for almost six months now. I didn't really want to go into it, but this continues to bug me, so here it is:

One of the symptoms of an adverse reaction to Cipro is morbid thoughts. Usually, when not poisoned by this shit, you can balance these types of thoughts off and dispell them, but Cipro overwhelms these mitigating abilities. The techniques we all develop to calm and comfort ourselves and keep our even-keeled little centres are somehow damaged or intercepted by this drug, and you stop being able to pull yourself out of the dark doomy gloomy. It affects you emotionally in this way, and in the same way it affects you physically, interfering with and blocking your body's natural healing mechanisms. Evil stuff.

So since December, the drug-induced terror has faded to a pervasive sense of impending doom. A pretty specific doom, actually. The one where you're not long for this world.

And one of the things I've been thinking about while contemplating the possibility of not being long for this world is: how are the people who read my blog going to know that I'm gone? :-) This is an actual concern of mine right now, and I'm planning who I can trust with the task of posting my death notice on this blog in the case of my untimely demise and moderating any commentary reaction following it. heh

I really can't tell at the moment if it's the Cipro screwing with me, if it's Jupiter and Uranus, currently conjunct on my Pisces South Node in the 8th house (house of death, wills, legacies and such), on top of it being fin de Piscean Era, in general...or if it really is almost time's up for Willow. Hey, Patsy Cline predicted her own death at age 30.

I was talking at the end of a previous post about how those of a certain sensitivity level are having our tolerance and stamina tested in a big way. We have been for a good long while now, but it has taken a severity turn that I didn't foresee. I never thought I would be so seriously staring down the possibility that this Earthly environment could soon become too hostile for the likes of me. That my adaptation skills, already honed quite well through a lifetime of heavy usage, would possibly not be able to cut the mustard. But really, who did think we'd be staring down the situations we're staring down right now? And I mean on a basic, day-to-day level, outside the realm of A-bomb what-ifs and end-times prophesies.

The Piscean themes are haunting a lot of us right now. I hear the echoes from a lot of people. The endings are huge. I knew they were because the astrology tells me so, but the actual practical living through them is something no one can ever really be prepared for.

A lot of people are talking about the "choice" to leave the planet now - my naturopath included. People are talking about planetary evacuation and such.

It's ringing in my ears, but I don't want to go. I just want things to get better.

It's all swirling around with this mutable T-square going on. And Mercury in Taurus trine Pluto in Capricorn is confronting us with all these situations that are just a bit too real.

I've been writing about the Gulf oil gusher a lot, and yesterday I met a Chinese fellow in the park by my place who asked me to have a conversation with him to help him improve his English. I found out he's in Calgary with a bunch of his colleagues on a three-month English training course. It turns out they all work for China's national oil company, China National Petroleum Corporation. This fellow does safety and risk management - specifically, he works on a vessel doing deepwater offshore seismic exploration in Saudi Arabia. Of course he does. We had a lot to talk about. He was delighted that Calgary still has wildlife. I was horrified to think of a city that doesn't.

A lady I went to high school with named her baby boy Diezel Storm a couple weeks ago. (Her husband works on oil rigs.)

A Winnipeg man who had set out for Calgary to start a moving company just turned up in a Regina, Saskatchewan hospital after being tortured and beaten for three months. He has extensive brain damage and is recognizable by his family only by the colour of his eyes. Parts of his lips and tongue have been removed. The side-by-side photo of him before the torture and after was one of the most disturbing things I've seen. The media really ought to warn you before they lay that shit on you. Especially with all this Pisces flying around.

We've got 59 dead and a couple hundred wounded in Thailand as the police continue to open fire on protesters demonstrating against the current un-democratically elected government. The media in this country seems to be reporting in a stance sympathetic to the police gunning people down. And we've got plans for a full-on police state in Ontario, Canada this summer as we host the G8 and G20 during that Capricorn eclipse conjunct Pluto. Tin soldiers and Harper's comin', la la la la la la laaaaa.

Already, I've had Kent State and Jackson State turning over in my mind, and the impending doom feeling digs in a little...

The guys picking cans out of the dumpster behind my building are better and better dressed these days.

I see chemtrails sprayed over downtown Calgary, at times daily. My body often feels like lead. This winter, any time the sun would start to peek out, we'd get a spray, and it would soon cloud over. Sunshiny reprieves during the Canadian winter are a necessity for feeling human. Without them, sluggish depression sets in.

I had a two-hour conversation a couple nights ago with my Dad about the state of the world. Neither of us can understand how we've gone from, a mere 50 or 60 years ago, people like him and his family living without electricity, running water or telephones to THIS. Rampant and obsessive consumption of resources that threatens the very survival of the human race.

I grew up drinking water from an artesian well, straight out of the Earth. And now, post-fluoroquinolone antibiotic poisoning, I have to get reverse osmosis water delivered at 28 bucks a pop so that I don't further poison myself with the fluoride and chlorine in the city water. It feels so disconnected to me to do this, especially in Canada. I was really upset when I first started getting it and wondered, how can I possibly sustain this? Now, I just drink it down.

So where is this post going? I have no idea. It's all just swirling around in a world I'm having a hard time understanding anymore.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hoping you stay! Your insights and depth of analysis are poetic genius. Thank you for having the heart and determination to share.

Jonas-Thanatos the Engineer said...

Know that your confession did not fall on deaf ears. I have been living with suicidal ideations for as far back as I can remember. It gets better and better with time, but since last Friday, I have been having mostly dark, disturbing thoughts, and once again walking over the Viaduc seems risky.. In my case, it is just the thought that keeps repeating in my head, which is torturing enough.. I have never tried to commit suicide though.

So whatever it means, I empathize with such difficulties. Maybe I misunderstood, though, and if I did, I apologize wholeheartedly.

Alex

Willow said...

Alex, I'm not actually suicidal, just feeling the vise tightening as far as the toxicity of our environments - physical, emotional and psychic. So just as the Gulf of Mexico is now inhabitable to certain sea life, I feel every disaster like this just adds a new layer that we have to somehow adapt to and move through, and those with high sensitivity levels are having a tough ass time - as you well know.

One of the adverse side effects of Cipro (and a lot of drugs, actually) was suicidal and morbid thoughts, so I know exactly how you feel. It's exhausting fending those off.

I also think certain frequencies are being used to induce these types of thoughts. The HAARP and such. I also have them running through me, at times. Goes in waves.

I wasn't posting this as a cry or anything...just talking about some difficult stuff in my life/head right now. I took it down and then put it back up...might take it down again. I know these issues need to be talked about, but this doesn't seem to be the right forum?

Jonas-Thanatos the Engineer said...

I don't know if my vote counts, but I say leave that stuff up. You're the one channeling all these great insights into what's beneath the surface on a cosmological scale, why wouldn't you divulge a little of yourself, and who is to judge if you share darker thoughts at times? I think your audience might like that stuff, it definitely shows that you are human. I at any rate like that stuff. :)

It helps me feel less alone & gives me tools t further fight the ennui & other hard stuff.

Alex

Willow said...

Your vote counts.

Robert Phoenix and I talked a bit about this stuff on his show today, if you would like to check that out.

Cloudy said...

Willow! Sorry I've been out of action for the past couple of weeks.... been moved around Thailand by the organisation I'm working for to avoid the action. Am finally in a safe place now and will be until things improve. You were telling me about a major mutable T-square in my chart.... boy have I been feeling and living that here in Thailand!

Anyway, I've also been watching the oil situation with horror. Check out this pic of it from space http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-grandia/shocking-nasa-image-never_b_581206.html

I have no words.

Also, I don't know what to say to make you feel better in general, but I will say that I know exactly what you mean. And how you're feeling about the world. Being up close and personal here in Thailand, i can't begin to tell you what I'm going through emotionally because I haven't had time to digest it all yet. Anyway, just know that you're not alone.

Talk soon,

Cloudy

Willow said...

Thanks for the update, Cloudy, and the photo. I'm glad you're safe!

Ruth said...

Willow sincerely hoping you don't leave us...we need you here to get through the dark incomprehensible shit! I have no idea at all what my own 'sensitivity level' is but my nerves have been screaming that a lot of shit on this earth is all wrong for quite some time. You're far from alone. What seems particularly hard to take about these times are a pervasive sense of fastmoving chaos (Pisces/Aries changeover perhaps)? Britain has a coalition government of smiley young chaps who are now busy privatising our remaining public services and I actually cried when I saw what I reckon was our last principled politician leaving no.10 with his family. Politics has never made me cry before. Guess we are all feeling it.

Willow said...

We are. I agree with your "accelerated chaos with a sinister undertone" summation. Yes, I hope I'm here for the long haul, also. :-) Doing my best to dig in my heels. Thanks, Ruth.