I Want To Go Home, But I Don't Know Where That Is Anymore

My apologies for taking down the last two posts. I do thank you all for your comments. I should have kept them up - I would repost, but they're gone.

I get really paranoid at times writing this blog, I must say, about who is going to read things, and sometimes I can't leave my soul bared for all to see in case some of the people I'm referring to should stumble upon it. Maybe one day I'll be able to just say, "Screw it" on that front. I'll keep working on it.

This eclipse season and all the Plutonic emphasis has me an emotional mess, a bit. (I'm sure a lot of people are in the same boat.)

I've always had problems with homesickness, but it has been almost debilitating as of late. Everything feels foreign at the moment and I'm craving a real home and my own family so intensely - something of my own - that I'm much less able to deal with the foreign Aquarian aspects than usual - that feeling that we're heading ever-closer to a whole new ballgame. Any inspiration I felt about the future has turned to dread related to what I (and we) have to do to get there.

I always have these problems to a certain extent, but they're full to overflowing at the moment (as we head to the Full Moon). I'm a country person through and through and grew up on a cattle ranch where you can see the moon, the stars, a sunset every night. It's so quiet you can hear crickets chirping and coyotes howling. Deer cross the yard with babies trailing behind. I miss it terribly. I think some country people are able to adjust to the city and learn to love it, but I'm not one of those people. I never feel quite right in the city, so I'm wrestling with that again now. I live ten hours (fifteen by bus) from my parents and don't drive, so I don't see them as much as I would like, either. I look at the people who have their parents in their lives on a regular basis, and it makes me sad that I don't have the same.

At the same time, I haven't found a husband and don't have a home and family of my own. (*Ahem* Afflicted Venus in the 4th.) I'm a single gal battling it out on her own. And apparently I have to be practical and think of career opportunities and making something of myself and all that crap. Though I really don't want to. I'd be content in any job I liked doing, regardless of what it was. I have no desire to light the corporate world on fire. (Only literally, maybe. Tee hee)

All this seems to be a constant battle, but it's very in my face (Pluto) at the moment. And very much a collective thing, too. The feelings of displacement and rootlessness, not having a place that feels like soul home, are things many, many people have to deal with...and have had to deal with in recent human history. It's funny how these emotions make you feel so isolated and alone, when in reality, they are very widely shared. A lot of people are carrying this around, just under the surface.

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, regardless of how you feel. You have to make certain decisions and take certain steps even though it's emotional torture. This is one of the bitterest pills to swallow of the Cancer-Capricorn polarity.

And of the Pluto in Cancer generation, I'm sure. War ripped their families apart and tossed them around the globe, dispersed.

Native North Americans have been ripped from their families and ways of life. African Americans experienced the same thing through slavery.

Then we have the strongly spiritually-oriented people who have never felt quite right among the people and cirumstances on planet Earth. Spiritual slavery.

And on and on...

These days, people move away from their families and hometowns looking for work and opportunities...or they follow a job sometimes around the globe. People focus on throwing themselves down their career path, just getting on with it.

And all this takes its emotional toll. Progress and living looking toward a future vision means making some emotional sacrifices, and I think we've sacrificed too much on this front. We've been left running on empty emotionally.

These are some of the themes of the August 5 Full Moon lunar eclipse in Aquarius (6:55 p.m. MDT).

Reorienting ourselves emotionally to the new paradigm we're bringing about. Honouring our real feelings about it, even the difficult ones. It's not easy.

When you think about what the "Aquarian Age" is, you can look at the mind-boggling technological advances we've experienced in the past 100 years or so and how it has changed human lives and societies. One hundred years in the history of humanity is the blink of an eye, so you can see how this period is one of accelerated growth, matched by the expansion in human consciousness.

Before vehicles and air travel, most people stayed close to where they were born, around the same people, in the same tribes, so to speak, their entire lives. Their worlds were very immediate and close. They might never see anything outside a 50 mile radius of where they were born. Different generations of the same family lived together or very near each other. People socialized with immediate neighbours. You married someone from the next town over. People still do this today, but it's no longer the prevailing way of life.

Growing up on the farm in Saskatchewan, my father didn't have power until he was 10 years old in 1956. They had no running water until they moved into town in 1962. So my cousins and sibling and I were the first kids on my Dad's side to ever be born with power and running water. Amazing.

Electric power, running water, appliances, mass use of motor vehicles and air travel, telephone, radio, television, the Internet. Improved access to food, vaccines, medical care. And now the extras like cell phones, iPods, video games, virtual reality. When you really take time to think about it, it's mind-blowing.

When I was young, we had a party telephone line on the farm. Three families shared one telephone line, and you had a certain ring that was your's. Now families have a land line and all the family members, including the kids, have their own cell phones. Or Blackberries.

Things are different for human beings now, and this will only increase exponentially in the future as we gain further cosmic consciousness, explore space travel, etc.

And yet, many things stay the same. The emotional/soul needs running through humanity remain pretty much the same - especially the desire for a place to call your own, among people with whom you feel you belong.

At the moment, I'm questioning if this city is the place for me. Apparently it is for job opportunities (maybe), but what about the sense of belonging and home - things that are more important to me. I wonder how much longer I can just exist here.

I've always had a feeling that I had to live in the city as part of evolutionary progression, but it's a bitter pill to swallow when you can't be where you prefer to be. The choice for growth is not the choice I want to make right now - at least not on an emotional level, which is the most important level to me. Oh yes, most important save for the soul-driven evolutionary level. Blah. Another bitter pill.

I want to just hightail it back where I came from, to the country...so much that it's overwhelming.

I know the Full Moon lunar eclipse is coming on Wednesday and that this whole intense eclipse season has stirred all this stuff up. I know reconciliation of the past with the future is at hand. But I can't even think about what I need to do in the future when I feel so unsettled and adrift. I just want to say fuck it.

How can I focus on my career and progress and breaking astrology into the corporate realm when things feel this awful? I just don't care about all that at times like these. But I guess that's the difficulty of the Cancer-Capricorn polarity - which we're getting hammered on. Our emotional realities won't get straightened out until we make some concrete progress on the Capricorn front. But finding the emotional fortitude to take those steps on the career/public front is almost impossible. Rock and a hard place.

The Scorpio Sun man I met was talking to me about developing astrology into some team-building exercises for the corporate arena. This is something I've thought about in the past. But when I think about what I would have to do to get that going on, it's overwhelming.

I'm a horse balking at a jump. I know it, but I'm not sure I have the will to bring myself under control. I'm not sure I care if astrology goes mainstream. I'm not sure I care about getting my piece of the corporate pie. I know I'm supposed to. I know the corporate hierarchies are sick and destructive to the human soul, to the plants, the animals, the planet. I know they need to be busted open and reorganized. Egalitarianized. They need a reality-check in the worst way as far as ridiculous top-heavy hierarchy/power structures, injustice, corruption, poor treatment and undervaluing of workers, and lack of practical and healthful sustainability. They need an injection of soul, spiritual values, emotion, feminine so badly. It's at a crisis point.

I know someone has to do it.

And I know I'm a Saturn in Virgo/Virgo North Node. So I'm one those people to whom it falls.

The North Node moves from Aquarius to Capricorn late on August 21 - just a few hours before Saturn in Virgo leaves it's retrograde shadow on the morning of August 22. Saturn in Virgo will then be the major influencing force on our North Node path forward...in new degrees of the zodiac, new territory. So a strong focus and requirement to make concrete progress in the career/public realm - shifting out of the visionary, intellectual, conceptual realms of Aquarius. Here we have to get serious, set some long-term goals and start to make progress toward them. Small, specific, detail-oriented goals. Goals we've decided on after a lot of analysis and mental work, using our energy in only the most effective ways. A little dose here, a little dose there. This is how the course is adjusted.

The North Node is always scary territory - it's a new path, out of our South Node comfort zone. But it's also where the energy lies. Carving out a path here brings us success and progress; going back to the South Node (to stay) leaves us stagnant. We need to work with the Capricornian structures as they exist, assisting the Plutonic transformation where we can, applying our specific skills.

So I see these things up ahead. Intellectually I understand this. Astrology lays it out for me. But again, I don't know if I can get this horse emotionally prepared for the big jumps.

I don't know if this horse has the energy or the desire to do it after so much neglect and abuse by these same people and structures, so much heavy lifting and so many years when I was the messenger they all liked to shoot.

This polarity is stretching me to the point where I feel as if I'm on the rack. I know that bailing on Pluto's process is not the way to go, really, but there's only so much a girl can take.

I guess my only hope is that the baby steps I have the emotional capacity to make at the moment will be enough. It's always hardest gathering the strength to begin again. Once you've gained a direction and some momentum and the steps are laid out in front of you, it's not so bad. But boy, oh boy...the direction and momentum have proved almost impossible to generate in recent months. I almost can't believe things will ever get going again. haha

The aspects say they will, however...

OK, Aquarius Full Moon lunar eclipse...do your thing, if you must.