Monday, August 3, 2009

I Want To Go Home, But I Don't Know Where That Is Anymore

My apologies for taking down the last two posts. I do thank you all for your comments. I should have kept them up - I would repost, but they're gone.

I get really paranoid at times writing this blog, I must say, about who is going to read things, and sometimes I can't leave my soul bared for all to see in case some of the people I'm referring to should stumble upon it. Maybe one day I'll be able to just say, "Screw it" on that front. I'll keep working on it.

This eclipse season and all the Plutonic emphasis has me an emotional mess, a bit. (I'm sure a lot of people are in the same boat.)

I've always had problems with homesickness, but it has been almost debilitating as of late. Everything feels foreign at the moment and I'm craving a real home and my own family so intensely - something of my own - that I'm much less able to deal with the foreign Aquarian aspects than usual - that feeling that we're heading ever-closer to a whole new ballgame. Any inspiration I felt about the future has turned to dread related to what I (and we) have to do to get there.

I always have these problems to a certain extent, but they're full to overflowing at the moment (as we head to the Full Moon). I'm a country person through and through and grew up on a cattle ranch where you can see the moon, the stars, a sunset every night. It's so quiet you can hear crickets chirping and coyotes howling. Deer cross the yard with babies trailing behind. I miss it terribly. I think some country people are able to adjust to the city and learn to love it, but I'm not one of those people. I never feel quite right in the city, so I'm wrestling with that again now. I live ten hours (fifteen by bus) from my parents and don't drive, so I don't see them as much as I would like, either. I look at the people who have their parents in their lives on a regular basis, and it makes me sad that I don't have the same.

At the same time, I haven't found a husband and don't have a home and family of my own. (*Ahem* Afflicted Venus in the 4th.) I'm a single gal battling it out on her own. And apparently I have to be practical and think of career opportunities and making something of myself and all that crap. Though I really don't want to. I'd be content in any job I liked doing, regardless of what it was. I have no desire to light the corporate world on fire. (Only literally, maybe. Tee hee)

All this seems to be a constant battle, but it's very in my face (Pluto) at the moment. And very much a collective thing, too. The feelings of displacement and rootlessness, not having a place that feels like soul home, are things many, many people have to deal with...and have had to deal with in recent human history. It's funny how these emotions make you feel so isolated and alone, when in reality, they are very widely shared. A lot of people are carrying this around, just under the surface.

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, regardless of how you feel. You have to make certain decisions and take certain steps even though it's emotional torture. This is one of the bitterest pills to swallow of the Cancer-Capricorn polarity.

And of the Pluto in Cancer generation, I'm sure. War ripped their families apart and tossed them around the globe, dispersed.

Native North Americans have been ripped from their families and ways of life. African Americans experienced the same thing through slavery.

Then we have the strongly spiritually-oriented people who have never felt quite right among the people and cirumstances on planet Earth. Spiritual slavery.

And on and on...

These days, people move away from their families and hometowns looking for work and opportunities...or they follow a job sometimes around the globe. People focus on throwing themselves down their career path, just getting on with it.

And all this takes its emotional toll. Progress and living looking toward a future vision means making some emotional sacrifices, and I think we've sacrificed too much on this front. We've been left running on empty emotionally.

These are some of the themes of the August 5 Full Moon lunar eclipse in Aquarius (6:55 p.m. MDT).

Reorienting ourselves emotionally to the new paradigm we're bringing about. Honouring our real feelings about it, even the difficult ones. It's not easy.

When you think about what the "Aquarian Age" is, you can look at the mind-boggling technological advances we've experienced in the past 100 years or so and how it has changed human lives and societies. One hundred years in the history of humanity is the blink of an eye, so you can see how this period is one of accelerated growth, matched by the expansion in human consciousness.

Before vehicles and air travel, most people stayed close to where they were born, around the same people, in the same tribes, so to speak, their entire lives. Their worlds were very immediate and close. They might never see anything outside a 50 mile radius of where they were born. Different generations of the same family lived together or very near each other. People socialized with immediate neighbours. You married someone from the next town over. People still do this today, but it's no longer the prevailing way of life.

Growing up on the farm in Saskatchewan, my father didn't have power until he was 10 years old in 1956. They had no running water until they moved into town in 1962. So my cousins and sibling and I were the first kids on my Dad's side to ever be born with power and running water. Amazing.

Electric power, running water, appliances, mass use of motor vehicles and air travel, telephone, radio, television, the Internet. Improved access to food, vaccines, medical care. And now the extras like cell phones, iPods, video games, virtual reality. When you really take time to think about it, it's mind-blowing.

When I was young, we had a party telephone line on the farm. Three families shared one telephone line, and you had a certain ring that was your's. Now families have a land line and all the family members, including the kids, have their own cell phones. Or Blackberries.

Things are different for human beings now, and this will only increase exponentially in the future as we gain further cosmic consciousness, explore space travel, etc.

And yet, many things stay the same. The emotional/soul needs running through humanity remain pretty much the same - especially the desire for a place to call your own, among people with whom you feel you belong.

At the moment, I'm questioning if this city is the place for me. Apparently it is for job opportunities (maybe), but what about the sense of belonging and home - things that are more important to me. I wonder how much longer I can just exist here.

I've always had a feeling that I had to live in the city as part of evolutionary progression, but it's a bitter pill to swallow when you can't be where you prefer to be. The choice for growth is not the choice I want to make right now - at least not on an emotional level, which is the most important level to me. Oh yes, most important save for the soul-driven evolutionary level. Blah. Another bitter pill.

I want to just hightail it back where I came from, to the much that it's overwhelming.

I know the Full Moon lunar eclipse is coming on Wednesday and that this whole intense eclipse season has stirred all this stuff up. I know reconciliation of the past with the future is at hand. But I can't even think about what I need to do in the future when I feel so unsettled and adrift. I just want to say fuck it.

How can I focus on my career and progress and breaking astrology into the corporate realm when things feel this awful? I just don't care about all that at times like these. But I guess that's the difficulty of the Cancer-Capricorn polarity - which we're getting hammered on. Our emotional realities won't get straightened out until we make some concrete progress on the Capricorn front. But finding the emotional fortitude to take those steps on the career/public front is almost impossible. Rock and a hard place.

The Scorpio Sun man I met was talking to me about developing astrology into some team-building exercises for the corporate arena. This is something I've thought about in the past. But when I think about what I would have to do to get that going on, it's overwhelming.

I'm a horse balking at a jump. I know it, but I'm not sure I have the will to bring myself under control. I'm not sure I care if astrology goes mainstream. I'm not sure I care about getting my piece of the corporate pie. I know I'm supposed to. I know the corporate hierarchies are sick and destructive to the human soul, to the plants, the animals, the planet. I know they need to be busted open and reorganized. Egalitarianized. They need a reality-check in the worst way as far as ridiculous top-heavy hierarchy/power structures, injustice, corruption, poor treatment and undervaluing of workers, and lack of practical and healthful sustainability. They need an injection of soul, spiritual values, emotion, feminine so badly. It's at a crisis point.

I know someone has to do it.

And I know I'm a Saturn in Virgo/Virgo North Node. So I'm one those people to whom it falls.

The North Node moves from Aquarius to Capricorn late on August 21 - just a few hours before Saturn in Virgo leaves it's retrograde shadow on the morning of August 22. Saturn in Virgo will then be the major influencing force on our North Node path new degrees of the zodiac, new territory. So a strong focus and requirement to make concrete progress in the career/public realm - shifting out of the visionary, intellectual, conceptual realms of Aquarius. Here we have to get serious, set some long-term goals and start to make progress toward them. Small, specific, detail-oriented goals. Goals we've decided on after a lot of analysis and mental work, using our energy in only the most effective ways. A little dose here, a little dose there. This is how the course is adjusted.

The North Node is always scary territory - it's a new path, out of our South Node comfort zone. But it's also where the energy lies. Carving out a path here brings us success and progress; going back to the South Node (to stay) leaves us stagnant. We need to work with the Capricornian structures as they exist, assisting the Plutonic transformation where we can, applying our specific skills.

So I see these things up ahead. Intellectually I understand this. Astrology lays it out for me. But again, I don't know if I can get this horse emotionally prepared for the big jumps.

I don't know if this horse has the energy or the desire to do it after so much neglect and abuse by these same people and structures, so much heavy lifting and so many years when I was the messenger they all liked to shoot.

This polarity is stretching me to the point where I feel as if I'm on the rack. I know that bailing on Pluto's process is not the way to go, really, but there's only so much a girl can take.

I guess my only hope is that the baby steps I have the emotional capacity to make at the moment will be enough. It's always hardest gathering the strength to begin again. Once you've gained a direction and some momentum and the steps are laid out in front of you, it's not so bad. But boy, oh boy...the direction and momentum have proved almost impossible to generate in recent months. I almost can't believe things will ever get going again. haha

The aspects say they will, however...

OK, Aquarius Full Moon lunar your thing, if you must.


Sleepless 1111 said...

I saw the title of this post and tears came into my eyes. Then I read the rest and I started to feel less alone. Thank you, Willow!

What you are going through, this absolute emotional drainage, this ache for home, is exactly what is going on with me (and so many other people, I'm sure). My whole life, I think, has been a search for home, for a sense of "place". I am still looking, at 38 years old. Sometimes I think Earth is the wrong planet for me!

So, I have no idea where "home" is and feel completely displaced. But I also believe if I wasn't struggling to do things on my own all the time — and had the love and support from a partner or a group of friends that I could count on — I could live just about anywhere.

I also feel like I HAVE to get something going, anything to get myself out of this stuck feeling, yet the emotions and the depression are so raw it's almost impossible to move. Rock/hard place, indeed!

I do know that this is the universe's way of telling me to "STOP TRYING SO HARD TO CONTROL THINGS—LET GO!"… so hard! I'm reminded of the scene in the Harry Potter & The Philosopher's Stone movie where the trio get trapped in Devil's Snare—the only way to get out of its grip was to relax. Hmm, okay. I'll just relax while I'm being slowly strangled to death… yup, easy as pie! *ack*

Pluto in Cap is purposefully doing this, destroying our instinctive "go-go-go-work-work-work-spend-spend-spend" nature and forcing us to rethink what "accomplishment" (Capricorn) really means. Maybe it's time we all looked at the Capricorn keyword "integrity" and lived our lives accordingly (i.e. No more compromising our true natures for the sake of money, relationships, or societal pressures). Easier said than done, I know!

At any rate it looks like we're both "done" with our previous lives as we knew them; I think it's fair that we get emotional, mourn the loss of all of it, and seek the safety of "home", where ever we can find it.

Sorry to blather on so long, but your words really struck such a chord.

I'm sending you back some good energy as always!

Take care,

Willow said...

Thanks, Sleepless.

I've actually always lived life according to my soul's direction...despite opposition, shit and abuse from all sides. I've always thought the priorities of most people were insane and did my best to live by my own while taking enough of a role in "society" to be effective.

I definitely wouldn't have put as much energy into astrology and this blog if I didn't listen to my soul above all else. There aren't many people willing to do unpaid soul work. hahaha Esp. when you get shit on for doing so by the money-chasers.

It's just that living like this for so long...when people were reeeeeally blind and vicious...has exhausted me. I'm tired of being out on a limb. (I'm sure all people doing this work are.)

So now because of that exhaustion, any old garbage energy (stuff I would have moved through no problem in the past) really does a lot of damage. My tolerance for it is close to zero.

So even thinking about taking any sort of place in the current shitshow structures is unpalatable, to say the least.

I'm not trying to control things, but at the same time, I've been "going with the flow" for six months now, and I've had enough.

Anyway, things will be moving by late-Aug., mid-Sept. more than likely...

I just wasn't expecting this long a void period. It's getting to me.

Joh said...

Thanks, that post was great and helped me to pin down some the vague uneasiness I'm struggling to ignore.

Anonymous said...

I have Moon conjunct Pluto on the IC. This has been a major theme for me -- not fun. I cannot even begin to count the many, many, moves I have made.

Looking forward to what this eclipse brings. I sense another move coming soon. (really)

Anonymous said...

Refreshing Willow.
Maybe Home has to be redefined. But I hear ya loud and clear.

Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities (and mucho accu astro info). It is my personal belief that being vulnerable teaches one to be like bamboo. Flexible, able to bend and not break.

So we're in a deep bending period now. Oh joy! I wish us all much patience, clarity, love, grace, breath, a pinch of rebelliousness, and whatever is helpful to steadying our nerves! Hang in there. As my karate teacher would say about required fight class (which I dislike)..."It can only last but SO long!" Building the 'muscle' indeed.

Come on beautiful Moon and your eclipse! The Aquarius in me is excited about the near and far future though. Presently I am cautious, exhausted, a tad frustrated, ready to figuratively crack some skulls (including my own) due to the prevalent emotional stress...but excited about the Future. Deep breath.

Did I convince myself? LOL. May the Divine continue to be in charge.
Big hugs from this side.
Advocate for being active in The Flow,

freeforall said...

Hang in there Willow! You have stated this longing so well that I really don't have anything to add except that I, too, have been longing for home.

My chart is a total shitshow right now - more heavy transits than I have experienced in 52 years - but I am learning to let go and just BE.

I'm in the same unemployed state right now, and simply DO NOT want to go back to the corporate scene. I may have to for a while though. So, I've decided to bite the bullet, but I will let my second-house Scorpio Sun square my tenth-house Uranus to kick up more shit this time! With Pluto breaking down the corporate structures, this aspect will probably be helpful in doing so.

Most of the time lately, I feel like a robot (a real Aquarian image!). Being Scorpio though I am stubborn, and I will not let this crap defeat me. However, I do not ever want to return to this planet after this lifetime. There has simply got to be somewhere more congenial!

Blessings to you for your excellent articles! You have no idea how sharing your real Self encourages me!

cloudy said...

Hiya Willow,

Just a quick note to say, I know what you mean! You have this way of articulating that which I'm struggling with also. Thank you.

These past two weeks have been absolutely exhausting and also subtly life changing for me. I am struggling and couldn't stop the tears from welling up yesterday as I was walking on the street on my way home just from being overwhelmed.

I can't offer any comfort other than to say, as you can see, there are some of us here who tune in to read your posts everyday and miss you when you don't write for a few days. I know it's not the home you long for, but in a way we are a community. We share something with you despite our pseudonyms and various world wide locations. Thanks again, and know that you are not alone waiting for the end of August. :-)

Willow said...

Aw, cloudy. You're so right. It's an Aquarian community here, all right, and it's invaluable. :-)

I think people are just so weary and stretched right now, and I'd like us all to find the physical version of where we love to be. That would be a nice outcome of all those Taurus-Aquarius squares we just experienced, culminating in this Aquarius FM eclipse.

Thanks for all your comments, guys.

I definitely sense that we're on the cusp of a huge amount of change - even for people working within the current structures. It's just the getting there that is becoming an uber drag, I guess.

It was very odd (yet miraculous)...I'm usually picked apart by my mother's family members for continuing with astrology/living my life the way I do, but I was actually left almost alone at the recent gathering. I realized that the vast majority of the people there were either in an uncertain transitional time themselves or were not liking their jobs and needing a change.

So the structures breaking down is finally humbling (Virgo) some of the people who were so quick to judge people in other circumstances. Forcing them to focus (finally!) on their own damn lives and problems!

I like it!