Sunday, April 1, 2012

How to Get (And Keep) a Man, Zodiac-Style

Ladies, if you want to get yourselves a man, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it’s as easy as the subtle manipulation of his Venus sign! Venus is what he loves, see, and if you want him to love you forever and ever, just keep hitting the old Venus spot.

We all know that once you’ve gotten yourself a man, the next trick is holding onto him. The beautiful thing about Venus is: it’s also a key to keeping him!

Just use these simple tricks of the astrological trade, and the days of crying your lonely, single ass to sleep every night will be OVER!

Venus in Aries: Go out and shoot yourself a buck. Anything over a four-point should do. Strap it to the roof of your car. If you can borrow a Jeep, Bronco, or Hummer, even better. Grab a couple six packs of his favourite brew, and drive over to his place with your rifle in the back seat to show off your kill.

Venus in Taurus: Talk about money a lot. Make it clear how important it is to you. Leave copies of your credit card statements lying around to show him how high your credit limit is. Get involved in the newest hedge funds, and brag about the returns. Talk about how you dumped currency and bought metals.

Venus in Gemini: To keep him interested, never answer his calls or texts right away. Leave them for a few days if you really want to get him hot and bothered. Talk about all the other messages you’re fielding to prove how uber connected and in demand you are. “Accidentally” send him an ambiguous text meant for some other guy just to keep him guessing.

Venus in Cancer: The key to this man’s heart is all about emulating his Mama! Look at old pictures of his Ma when she was your age, and subtly copy her style. Dress like she did. Do your hair and make-up like she did. Meet him every day after work with lipstick on, an adoring smile, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies still warm from the oven.

Venus in Leo: Buy paintings from local artists and prominently hang them to show what a big supporter you are of the local art scene. Take him to performance art pieces and poetry night at the local pub, even if you don't like it, to show him how artsy you are. Try out for a local theatre troupe, even if calling your acting skills “wooden” would be charitable. Show off your star power. Of course, it goes without saying that a lady should never outshine her man. He’s the real star here, and the more you keep that in mind, the more in love he’ll be!

Venus in Virgo: Hire a housecleaner to come in and covertly clean your apartment to an immaculate shine before each of his visits. Strip your bed (in front of him) and wash the sheets in hot water after every time you do the deed. Casually mention that you floss three times a day. Buy a top-of-the-line juicer. Hide junk food, and fill your refrigerator with leafy greens.

Venus in Libra: Make it known how in-demand socially you are by constantly talking about all the fascinating, cultured, and hip people who want to hang with you. Make it difficult for him to schedule a date into your almost-frantic social calendar. Call and re-schedule a few times to drive home the point. Leave a subtle impression that he wasn’t your first choice for a Saturday night.

Venus in Scorpio: The key here is continually proving what a hardcore freak you are in the sack. Leave whips, handcuffs, chains, and ball gags lying around your apartment – not just in the bedroom! Maybe put a cage up. Mirrors on the ceiling, a video camera set up near the bed, and a stripper pole are de rigeur.

Venus in Sagittarius: What’s really going to do it for this guy is making it known how much freedom you need in relationships. Don’t worry if it isn’t true – by the time he figures out the real story, he’ll be hooked on you! Talk about your plans to study philosophy in Paris, and make it known that he shouldn’t wait around. Do some speed research on wine, and talk about how you’ve always wanted to take a trip to wine country to experience the great whites and reds.

Venus in Capricorn: The key to this guy’s heart is in showing him how impressive and upwardly-mobile you are. Talk about how you’re crushing your competition at work. Brag about how much your boss loves you. Repeat the basic points of your Five Year Plan like a mantra every morning, and make sure he can hear you.

Venus in Aquarius: Here, it's all about making it clear to him how outside the box you are. Throw a vegan, soy-free potluck and invite all the freakiest people you know. Talk about alternative working models and the suppression of Tesla technology. Ride a community-owned bicycle to get around, even if you have been a staunch car driver up until then. Dye your hair pink or purple. Get a septum ring.

Venus in Pisces: The key here is in proving your superiour spiritual development. Talk about your dreams a lot, and make them seem really symbolic and profound. Talk about the multi-dimensional experiences you’ve had, and make it clear that you can’t really be bothered with the concerns of the material world. Name drop a couple gurus, and work the popular spiritual catch phrases of the day into casual conversation.

Work these Venus tips, ladies, and you will go from sad and lonely single to ecstatic and loved-up couple in no time!


April Fools from Willow’s Web Astrology!

April Fools post 2011

15 comments:

Donna F. said...

Absolutely priceless!

Thanks for this! Pluto's been kicking my ass something fierce (I've got the Grand Cross in cardinal signs in my natal chart), and I was in desperate need of a good laugh. The funny thing is, if I printed "How to Get (and Keep) a Man, Zodiac-Style" out and took it to work, SO many of my co-workers would read it avidly, pass it around, and tailor their "approaches" accordingly.....

Thanks again. Your blogs have been helping me hang on to the tattered remnants of my sanity...

Willow said...

Thanks so much for your comment, Donna F! Glad to know it gave someone else a chuckle. It provided a necessary laugh for me, too.

It's sort of scary how easy it is to write that stuff. And yeah, even more scary that it could be passed off as a real astrology article!

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Very funny, cute, and I am afraid, true. Oh dear. And, Happy April Fool's Day to you, for such a great advice column : > )
Lea

Merryweather said...

Thank you for the laugh, Willow! When I first started reading the article, I got really worried. I was thinking: "Oh no! What's happened to Willow!?!?"

Then I reached the end and literally laughed out loud. Great April Fool's joke! Thank you for making me smile!

Deb said...

"April Fool's..." Oh, thank SOMETHING.

This was funny as hell. Just awesome. Bravo! ::Standing ovation::

Willow said...

heehee...happy to fool you!

Diane said...

Me too, Merryweather. Very funny, Willow .... ha-ha, you scared me. I miss your posts and wish I could afford to subscribe. Is the only downside of writing this way the constant sucking of your soul dry? Although it truly was funny!

MarsInVirgo said...

Mars in Virgo has a few issues to raise with Mrs. Venus in Scorpio:

#1) Stripper pole was not necessary *but* it can stay so long as it is made of organic bamboo. No aluminum stripper poles! Aluminum can be absorbed through the skin and has been linked to all sorts of neuro-degenerative brain diseases. These are the pluto in cap years, we must keep our wits about us.

#2) Organic bamboo stripper poles aren't cheap these days so hopefully you bought on sale. God help you though if you bought it *used*.

#3) if you did buy it used you are going to need to sanitize the fuck out of it. Good news is orange oil (great cleanser) is widely available these days. You'll need to douse it big time plus maybe leave out in the sun for disinfectant purposes. Sure the neighbors will see but it's not like Venus in Scorp cares about that.

#3a) Possible problem #3: Neighbor's cat might cozy up to it if left outside, use it as a scratchy post.

#4) Whips: fair trade leather I assume?

#5) Camera had better be old school polaroid type. Digital not discrete or secure these days, even if encrypted. Again, Pluto in Cap years.

#6) Who, praytell, is the ball gag for exactly? (Does one dares even ask?)

Willow said...

MarsinVirgo: Valid. All highly valid.


Diane/Merryweather: Wouldn't it be insane if one day you came to check Willow's Web, and it was like bizarre-o Willow's Web and the posts started sounding as if they were all April Fools posts, but they were real? God, that would be scary.

I remember when I was a young teen, there was this magazine called Sassy which was still consumerist and elitist but was way cooler than the rest of the teen mags. I would await its arrival in the mail every month. But then one month, it showed up, and it was like it was doing a parody of itself. All the things it had previously claimed to hate were there on the front cover. And it turned out Sassy had gone under, and the owners of Teen Magazine (probably the worst of the superficial teen mag offenders) had bought it out! And they thought they could just pass it off on us.

Luckily, that will never happen here.

If it ever did happen, you could be certain that a) I am no longer on the Earth b) I've been taken hostage or c) I have full-on amnesia or something.

HoBad said...

willow,

lol the same thing happened to me at 19. There was a magazine "Muscle Media 2000" that was totally diff from all the mainstream muscle mags. Then one day I go to get it and it's a dude covered in gold, very homoerotic. Now don't get me wrong I have not a prob in the world with that but I was like "okay strange but whatever . . ." then opened it up and sweet jesus all mighty the owner had decided to turn it into a Tony Robbins type self-improvement mag. Oh gawd.

The owner was a guy name Bill Phillips. If you've ever seen the "Body for LIfe" books that were sold next to The Secret, that's him.

Later I found out there was a name for people like me, "MM2K refugees" who all had the same "WTF?" reaction on that fateful day.

freeforall said...

Whew! Willow, you had me seriously wondering if you'd lost it for a moment there!

While reading through the Venus tips, I thought, "This sounds like too much freakin' work!" Haha! And with the reverse,to "hook" the women, a guy just has to manipulate her Mars! LOL!

savia said...

Bwah ahahahah! Smooch!!

Anonymous said...

As soon as I read this, I thought "this is so NOT Willow." Has she gone off the deep end? And then I realized the date. LOL

Lilith in Scorpio said...

Willow, I find your characterization of Venus in Virgos to be totally unfair. As a Venus is Virgo myself, I would never be so unreasonable as to expect an SO to floss three times a day. Twice is perfectly adequate. ;)

Willow said...

heh Lilith.

I almost wish I did talk astrological shit like this! It's a hell of a lot easier. And more popular with the masses.