The Pluto fear is gripping me with stomach-churning relentlessness. I keep being hit with waves of anxiety, horrible, desperate loneliness and fear. The fear. It won't let up. Well, it does. I dig in and process it out of my system and start to feel somewhat OK, but then a few hours later it creeps in again and the horror of this experience lets me know it's not done with me yet. It's still in my system, attached to every last bit of fear, every old trauma, every sickeningly bad emotion left lying dormant or semi-dormant in my body. It's going right to the cellular level, bringing up traumas and unresolved fear and pain from the women in my family lineage.
Black Moon Lilith is there, too, working alongside Pluto, so we've got the pitch blackest of unresolved, denied emotional and psychological stuff to work through. From the collective and the personal. As always, inter-related.
I'm scared. Really scared. I've still got the symptoms of the poisoning, though they have let up quite a lot. I suppose this is the process of it being worked out of my system, but I am losing sight of that a lot of the time. Continually losing sight of any sort beacon of comfort or love is a universal aspect of really difficult Pluto experiences, and that has helped me keep some perspective. Knowing that there are many people, especially the women in my own family, who have felt just as terrified and helpless and alone as I do right now...who made it through to the other side.
I hope you are all having a better time of this Mercury-Pluto transit. I can only remember a couple times in my life that I've felt this terrified and out of control for this long. So dark. So much hideous distortion. I can't see my way out right now.
I'm sick of transformation, transmutation, purging, releasing, processing. I'm sick of the traumas we've gone through living on this planet.
The Sun is coming together in conjunction with Mercury Rx in Capricorn tomorrow noon. Then Venus does. Perhaps this will help alleviate some of the concentrated horror that is just sitting on me.
I must say the combination of Saturn in Libra with all these Pluto-infused planets in Capricorn is making for a relentless, "will it ever end" process.
My family telling me that yes, it will is the only thing getting me through right now.
So no upbeat ending to this post...yet. Just more processing. Scary, scary, lonely processing.
14 comments:
So sorry to read what is going on for you at present. You are in my thoughts. In light, Pepper
Dear Willow,
Your blog is for me a supreme source of wisdom and joy. When I have had dark times, - me it's w/ Black Moon Lilith (old nightmares, trauma, etc., except not at present for some reason!) - I came to your blog when my final analysis had failed and you revealed to me, unknowingly, deep truths about my experience.
I suffered a horrific martyr-like experience for about fifteen years, from the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia until recently when I found a way out. I also abused alcohol, hard drugs, and medicaments for about the same period, a little longer.
I am sober now and doing extremely well. I wasn't aware of any Pluto action, a lot of this is still "Greek to me". And I won't say you're in my thoughts because I don't know you.. but I know you will be better soon.. I simply know it with certainty. You will be ten times stronger, too.
Keep the faith,
Alex
:-)
Thank you so much for that.
Willow, let's all get together on IRC or chat app, something. Hang out with some of us.
It always helps me alot to have an internet date with pals. I know what you mean about the terrors, we probably all do in some way.
I feel for you sweetie...i really really do!! I, myself am going thru the exact same thing...no kidding. I feel like I cant take it anymore. I am mentally and physically drained for sure. i feel like I am purging collective crap...not just my own...its hell. I'll pray my little heart out for you and me...and all others going thru this CRAP!!
Lots of Love
Yes, most definitely collective stuff being purged. Heavy, isn't it, Astrogirl?? I will pray for all of us, too, to break it up and lighten things greatly as speedily as possible.
Cairo...that sounds like a good idea in future. At the moment, I am so weak that just eating and washing seems like a full day! haha But yes, we should set up some Skype dates or something through WWA. That would be nice. I'll put a post up about it later maybe?
When you feel up to it, Willow. We're all here and we can figure out what is easiest for everybody to do. No Rush.
A project to look forward to.
Willow's Digital Salon. Tres Chic.
yes willow, you are not alone in feeling these energies...feels like one step forward, then two steps back...We are releasing the past paradigms so we create a more harmonious NOW! much love to you sistar!
Willow, you've said pretty much what I have been feeling about the fear and loneliness and Pluto transits. I have some doozies with Pluto conjunct my progressed Sun and squaring my Ascendant. Transiting Saturn is conjunct my progressed Moon in the 12th and Pluto is squaring both, which are conjunct the Ascendant. Pure poison indeed.Worst time in my life. So I hear ya!
Also tired of purging, transmuting, transforming. Just wanna BE.
Saying prayers.
Strangely enough, I'm not experiencing any of these things lately that y'all are mentioning. I don't know much about these things, I'm not sure why I offer the remark. I've had those experiences before, but right now I feel great, energized, my spirit is full of enthusiasm, I am making huge strides in my work as an artist, blockages are opening up in my relationships, I feel more loved and cherished than ever, and 2010 looks like it's going to be the very best year of my life. So I say yes to transmuting and transformation if it feels this fabulous.
In passing, if it helps make any more sense to you, my birthday is October 20th, 1977. Born at 2h54am in St-Hyacinth near Montréal, Qc.
Also, as postscript: I really do feel for you guys, it sounds horrifying what you are going through. And Willow, I hope you are feeling better.
-Alex
I forgot to say, I don't care why I'm feeling good, I honestly gave my birthdate only if anyone in the know was curious as to why I would be experiencing the diametrical opposite of what you guys seem to be experiencing. I mean no harm. Like I said, I really don't care to know why things are swell.
Willowwillowwhereartthou?
How are you, sweetheart? We all miss you very much - and mostly miss knowing you are still here/there surviving. Please, if you can, just a word will do. I am sure I have not been alone in worrying and wondering about you. As you can tell, we miss your wondrous self and wisdom very much.
Lovelovelove and wellness to you.
Willow, I hope all that is shaking in these busy skies works benevolent magic on you.
You are missed.
Me too I've been worrying about you, Willow. I pray that you are in good spirits and healthy. Solar eclipse, New Moon.. be strong, you know you will come out stronger and wiser. Be well.
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